Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated

Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated

This year’s Bad Sex in Fiction Award shortlist has been announced, this year’s horrifying entries coming from Laurent Binet, Christopher Bollen, and Jarett Kobek.

Previous winners of Britain’s most dreaded annual prize include Morrissey — for his debut novel List of the Lost — and Erri De Luca for The Day Before Happiness.

This year, many were left surprised after Sir Vince Cable managed to avoid the shortlist despite receiving “many” nominations for the award. The Literary Review, who organise the award, said Cable’s thriller Open Arms — which follows a “glamorous housewife-turned-MP” who rises through the Westminster ranks, — just wasn’t written badly enough, calling the sex "very discreet".

So, who are the contenders for this year’s award? Leading the pack comes War Cry by Wilbur Smith (with David Churchill), one particularly racy part reading: “He led her back up the beach to where the sand was dry. Then he took off his coat, placed it on the ground and she lay down upon it. ‘Christ!’ he muttered, placing himself on top of her. ‘It’s bloody cold. I might get frostbite on my cock.’ She gave a low purring laugh. ‘Silly man. Why don’t you put it somewhere hot?’”

Another comes from Laurent Binet in The Seventh Function of Language. "He puts his hands on Bianca’s shoulders and slips off her low-cut top. Suddenly inspired, he whispers into her ear, as if to himself: ‘I desire the landscape that is enveloped in this woman, a landscape I do not know but that I can feel, and until I have unfolded that landscape, I will not be happy…’ Bianca shivers with pleasure. Simon whispers to her with an authority that he has never felt before: ‘Let’s construct an assemblage.’"

And who could forget Jarett Kobek in The Future Won’t Be Long: "With Jon it was communication, a dialogue between two bodies, electric impulses transmitted over wires of flesh and bone. Words one cannot speak, words that can only be heard. Skin that became skin that became skin anew. We made love and we had sex and we had sex and we made love. But reader, again, I implore. Mistake me not. I am not your Pollyanna, I am not your sweet princess. We f**ked, we f**ked, we f**ked, we f**ked, we f**ked, we f**ked."

The winner will be announced on the 30 November at London’s The Naval and Military Club, also known as the In & Out.

Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated
Glorious, he was made to do this. There was cracking all around and a blistering sunlike heat, and Gwennie was shuddering beneath him, and one-two-three, he burst within her.
Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated
I am swept away with waves of anticipation that blank out my mind and let me focus only on pleasure, releasing the painful past, releasing the desire to return there and be young and beautiful again. Fuck young and beautiful – this is worth everything – and I come with fierce contractions that seem to go on and on endlessly.
Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated
Her mouth was intensely ovoid, an almond mouth, of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me.
Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated
She reached up and brought him to her, then rolled over on top of him and began softly to move down. When she took him, still a little flaccid, into her mouth, he moaned, ‘Oh, lover.’
Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated
Far in the back of whatever was left of his mind, the light of reason was struggling against being finally extinguished and he was aware that wearing a condom would’ve been a good idea, but there was no way that he was getting out of her, because she took him in and he was with her in every move, in every gasp, kiss, and lick.
Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated
I pulled her to me. I took her band off, and her hair fell free about her shoulders. I cupped my hand around the back of her neck, and we made out standing beside my bed. It felt good to both of us, pressed together, her body lush, soft, and hot against mine. She was a good kisser; our mouths fit.
Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated
She presses him to the ground, pins his hands to the floor. She kisses his face and licks it. She bites his lip. She bites his cheek. She pants in his ear, shouts his name in his ear, she whips his face with her hair […] she rides above him the way she'd imagined that one day she’d ride a boy, a man, a beast; she grasps his long hair with both her hands and rides him as if he were a horse…
Bad Sex in Fiction 2017 shortlist revealed as Vince Cable avoids being nominated
Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone.

The shortlist in full:

The Seventh Function of Language by Laurent Binet

The Destroyers by Christopher Bollen

Mother of Darkness by Venetia Welby

As a God Might Be by Neil Griffiths

The Future Won’t Be Long by Jarett Kobek

War Cry by Wilbur Smith (with David Churchill)

Here Comes Trouble by Simon Wroe

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